


Content Warnings

by Laurasauras



Series: 2019 Holiday ficlets [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Family Dinners, Holidays, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22172569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: Dirk is dragged along to Karkat's family holiday dinner with Dave and gets sat next to Kankri. Those who say you shouldn't bring up politics at the dinner table have never been sat next to Kankri Vantas.
Relationships: Dirk Strider/Kankri Vantas
Series: 2019 Holiday ficlets [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569544
Comments: 25
Kudos: 127





	Content Warnings

‘I have three parents, eight siblings and I’m pretty sure none of them are currently in prison, so you’re just going to have to deal with them,’ Karkat says, by way of preparing Dirk for the family solstice dinner he’s being dragged to.

Dirk glares at Dave. This is absolutely all his fault. He _had_ to mention that they didn’t have any holiday plans because of their lack of family and he _had_ to tell Dirk that it was important to him that he meet his boyfriend’s family. Dave for his part does not look alarmed about the whole “prison” word drop, so Dirk is forced to ask for elaboration.

‘Any particular reason your family would be imprisoned?’ Dirk asks.

‘They’re all idiots,’ Karkat says. ‘One of my earliest memories is of being chained to a tree in protest, if that clarifies their general position on sticking their assorted dicks where they do not belong. Just smile and try not to engage any of them in politics, especially Kankri.’

Dirk intends on saying precisely dick all to anyone. He manages to keep that resolution for the full hour of sitting around _chatting_ before dinner. He is less pleased to find him sitting right next to the same Kankri he’s been warned about. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Mr Vantas says as he places the last plate down and takes his seat. ‘Do you boys say grace or anything?’

‘I am _not_ saying grace,’ Kankri says. ‘Thanking a non-entity for the deliverance of food has always been contemptible, but to do so now, in this society, in which there is no such thing as a simple meal, would be a violation of my ethics. I’d thank the scientists developing pesticides for this meal before I thanked a so-called “God”.’

Dirk refuses to look at Dave, because _he_ can keep a straight face, but Dave can’t. He looks at his plate instead and wonders if the advice to smile applies in this incredibly awkward instance. He decides it doesn’t.

‘I respect your commitment to your personal morality,’ Mr Vantas says, and down the table Mr Captor chokes on his water and excuses himself from the table, waving off Ms Leijon’s help. ‘But when we open up our home to others, we aim to make them as comfortable as we can, and while of course I would not force you to participate, I equally wouldn’t want to make the Striders feel like they can’t express their faith or any other part of themselves here.’

‘They’re atheists, Dad,’ Karkat says, his voice bored. Dirk gets the feeling that this is not an uncommon occurrence. Mr Captor slides back into the room, coughing fit over, but still struggling to keep a straight face. 

‘Wonderful, well in that case, please eat!’

The food has, thankfully, not gone cold. It’s fascinating that in this house, Karkat might be the quiet one. Dirk meets Dave’s eyes and Dave gives him a false cheery smile that is definitely a reminder for Dirk to also keep smiling. Dirk wishes he was at least sitting next to Dave, but instead he’s between Kankri and Meulin. And he doesn’t know sign language.

‘Karkat mentioned you’re a student,’ Dirk says to Kankri, assuming that making this most basic attempt at small-talk will get him off the hook for all other holiday related gestures. 

‘Yes, I’m a double major,’ Kankri replies. ‘Second year in philosophy and literature.’

‘Must be a lot of reading.’

‘Yes, but of course I don’t read physical copies of books. I purchase digital copies from organisations that I have researched to my capacity, though naturally it is impossible to know exactly what their true values are; they require profits and so choose the most flattering phrasing. However, I do believe that companies that want conscientious people as their customer base are more likely to be conscientious themselves.’

‘Interesting,’ Dirk says. ‘Have you considered the impact of servers and other computing equipment that those kinds of companies require as opposed to, for example, second hand bookstores?’

‘I find it interesting that you think that you could provide an adequate counter-proposal to a long-considered strategy for minimal environmental impact without doing any research yourself,’ Kankri says. He doesn’t sound like he actually finds it interesting. 

Dirk wonders if he’ll get in trouble if he gets into a fight with one of Karkat’s brothers if he doesn’t _technically_ start it. He also wonders if Kankri is as ready to throw down as his tone suggests. The turtleneck suggests not, but he can hope.

‘You know, I always agreed with Plato that the value of philosophical debate was the ability to exchange ideas and thereby further develop them. You can’t do that with a mirror, you need some contrast.’

‘Plato was, by definition, debating with himself! He wrote dialogues that were completely fabricated!’

‘He wasn’t debating with himself, he was masturbating. Have you even read his dialogues? Whenever quote unquote Socrates makes a point, whoever is ostensibly debating him can’t wait to tell him how fuckin’ clever he is.’

‘Vulgarity will not help your point and I will thank you not to pollute my ears with it, especially without giving me prior notice so that I could emotionally prepare myself. You’re lucky that I have a strong enough constitution to withstand such verbal abuse, not everyone is.’

Across the table, Mituna is speaking exactly as he did the one and only other time Dirk met him; that is to say very loudly and with more swear words than the other kind of words. A couple of seats away, Mr Vantas is arguing with Nepeta about _Love Actually_ and displaying where Karkat learned all his best insults. 

‘Content warning for swearing,’ Dirk says sarcastically. ‘How the fuck are you a prude in this household?’ 

‘I resent the implication that there’s anything wrong with being a prude, or that being sensitive to vulgarity is a symptom of being sexually reserved. I am celibate, for the record, because I believe that the factors that go into consent are complex and multi-faceted, and therefore will not engage in such activity until I can be sure of my partner’s commitment and comfort, and have not yet found a long term relationship that meets those standards.’

Oh _damn_ that sounds like a challenge. Dirk glances over at Dave and wonders if he’d be in more trouble if he fought his boyfriend’s brother or if he fucked him out of his definitely completely voluntary celibacy. 

‘Okay, counter argument to that,’ Dirk says, suddenly thankful for the fact that the only one of Kankri’s family that is within earshot is the deaf one, ‘isn’t it unethical to assume that you know someone’s mind better than they can know it?’

‘Yes, which is why—’

‘So if I was to tell you that I wanted you to take me up to your bedroom so I could see if you could keep talking while I applied my considerable powers of sexual distraction, wouldn’t it be a very wrong thing for you to deny me my bodily autonomy?’

Kankri’s eyes widen. He blushes as red as his turtleneck. 

‘That … No, that is ridiculous.’

Dirk holds his hands up in surrender. He has, somehow, managed to finish eating. It wasn’t that hard, Kankri can talk even more than he can.

‘I get it, you’re not into dudes,’ he says.

‘That is _absolutely_ not the issue,’ Kankri says. ‘The point of my celibacy is to deny myself the satisfaction that I might be able to take from those who may later regret their actions. There is a significant difference between choosing not to act on sexual attraction and not feeling it, and while both are equally as valid, obviously the oppression I face as someone who is opting out of a society with such a high priority on sex is far greater _because_ I could opt in, were I to choose to do so, and therefore I am subject to temptations that others can’t even fathom.’

Dirk smiles at the complete idiocy that continues to spout from Kankri’s mouth. He checks his watch and makes a private bet that he can get into Kankri’s pants within an hour. Dirk can’t help that he’s attracted to morons. Maybe _he’s_ the oppressed one.

**Author's Note:**

> Kankri is fuckin' wrong about almost everything. And what he's right about he ruins by being Like This. God, he's fun to write though.
> 
> [Now with AMAZING art!](https://twitter.com/AmaliDoodles/status/1221350307575357440?s=20)


End file.
